The Truth About Friends With Benefits
Old-School Attitude
I know that this is a taboo subject. And even further, I know that the take that I’m about to type may be controversial. But it has to be said: the ”friends with benefits” concept has a meager chance of being sustainable long term. And this isn’t just me saying this. According to a 2012 study, women and men not only have drastically different expectations when entering into a ”friends with benefits” relationship (aka FWBR), but they also have drastically different levels of satisfaction with the results of FWBRs long term. First, however, I want to clarify that I understand that there are friends who have somehow been able to make such relationships work with relatively few hiccups, if any. But before I discuss the long-term ramifications of FWBRs, I want to delve into why people may find such arrangements favorable, as well as the resulting realities in many of them.
The Appeal
First off, the appeal is apparent to me. I’m not blind. The prospect of having no strings in a sexual relationship with someone with whom you feel comfortable is an ideal situation for many people. On the one hand, two consenting adults coming to an agreement where they are upfront about their intentions and expectations is very mature. On the other hand, it shows a level of honesty that they may find refreshing and reassuring, mainly since they have developed a friendship beforehand.
On the other hand, this foundation can make it easy for them to misconstrue the trust built during that friendship as a solid foundation upon which to base their agreed-upon intimate connections, which could be fraught with emotional landmines. Regardless of the potential drama, such newly formed sexual relationships between friends are typically arranged at the onset with perceived shields against these landmines (e.g., no kissing, no spooning, no sleepovers after sex, keeping the relationship a secret, a mutually acceptable exit plan, etc.). With these rules (and undoubtedly many more) in place, the friends enter into the FWBR with the confidence that they will be able to navigate their intimate relationship with minimal or no hiccups while enjoying all of the mind-numbing pleasures of their sexual escapades. However, over time, after one or maybe a series of sexual encounters, the friends begin to see some glaring roadblocks that could derail their indulgence in guilt-free hedonism.
The Reality
The reality is that there have almost always been hiccups of some sort in the majority of FWBRs. Some may have been minor, and others may have been major. But they will all end up altering the nature of the friendship somehow. The primary reason FWBRs have changed friendships is that they’ve blurred the lines between platonic and intimate connections. If the sex was great, or at least good, for either person, there typically have been developed feelings that come into play. This could be true for one of the sex partners or even both of them. Whether or not those feelings were revealed to the other partner or concealed from them, the presence of those feelings usually sends such relationships on a trajectory that will either end the friendship or evolve it into a more profound affair. I will not go into specifics on how that trajectory would develop since so many different variables that are specific to each FWB come into play. On the flip side, if the sex was not great or good for at least one of the partners, a flood of negative emotions could come into play: resentment, lack of respect, frustration, pity, embarrassment, etc. The effects of either partner (or both) having such feelings are likely to contribute to the end of the friendship even if the FWBR is terminated to save it.
In either of the scenarios referenced above, it is clear that the emotional impacts that have been inherent with FWBRs were unavoidable, at least for most people. Such people who could avoid these pitfalls of FWBRs typically had to be emotionally void with regard to their partner from the onset of that phase of the relationship. The fact that there has to be a large detachment of any emotional connection to avoid these impacts seems counterintuitive if the partners are genuinely friends.
The Fallout
So what are some likely potential long-term effects of engaging in an FWBR? First, I’ll address this at the individual level and then at the societal level.
At the personal level, engaging in FWBR is a placeholder or a crutch for those who want to avoid commitment. In and of itself, I don’t think it is wrong to avoid committed relationships if you’re not ready for them as long as it’s done responsibly. And as I indicated earlier, it is possible to engage in FWBRs responsibly. In theory, you can establish and then flawlessly execute a mutual agreement via strict guidelines to minimize or eliminate the chances of either partner getting their feelings hurt, impregnated, or infected with a disease by the other. The wildcard is the emotional connection that either person can never control. However, if either or both of them develop strong feelings, they can be concealed or suppressed. According to a 2013 study on the effects of FWBRs, significant portions of the control group experienced higher levels of feeling deceived by their FWB partner and higher levels of loneliness and psychological distress, but lower levels of mutual social connectedness. But what was also interesting is that approximately 50% of the participants expressed feeling close or closer with their FWB partners as their friendships continued after they stopped having sex with each other. This leads me to the societal aspect.
Regarding the societal level, the study referenced above seems to fit within a general trend of fewer people wanting to get married or engage in long-term exclusive, committed relationships. From my non-psychology-expert interpretation of that last point that I reference from the study, it appears that the FWBR has evolved to a normalized way for friends to help each other out during a period of loneliness while also expressing their care for each other’s well being at least for significant portions of society. And if that is the case, then maybe my old-school way of looking at FWBRs will become outdated. I’m willing to admit that there may come a time where FWBRs are looked upon as just another way to support or bond with a friend in a safe environment with no emotional confusion. Now, that could be something like ”helping a buddy out during a dry spell”, or ”helping console a friend after a bad break-up”, or ”celebrating a job promotion”, or simply ”just having something fun to do on a random Tuesday night.” Yes, I know it may sound crazy. It sounds crazy to me as I type this. However, if history has taught us anything, society has often taken many unpredicted left turns.
Conclusion
So, it turns out that maybe the ”truth” about FWBRs is that despite the potential negative impacts, some societal trends show a rise in more nuanced attitudes to such relationships. As a result, this has led to their increased popularity. I’m not saying whether that is a good or a bad thing. But as society evolves based on the preferences and attitudes of current and future generations, we will likely see the further normalization of FWBRs.
Citations
Gusarova, Inga, et al., A Quantitative Study of ”Friends with Benefits Relationships” The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, vol. 21, no. 1, Jan. 2012, pp. 41-57.
Mullick, Susaina. ”Essential Rules to Being Friends with Benefits without Any Complications.” Www.mensxp.com, 1 Nov. 2019, https://www.mensxp.com/relationships/relationship-advice/58110-5-essential-rules-to-being-friends-with-benefits-without-any-complications.html.
Ben-Ze'ev, Aaron. ”Friends with Benefits.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201109/friends-benefits.
Owen, J., Fincham, F.D. & Manthos, M. Friendship After a Friends with Benefits Relationship: Deception, Psychological Functioning, and Social Connectedness. Arch Sex Behav 42, 1443–1449 (2013). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-013-0160-7
Ibid.
Fry, Richard. ”More Americans Are Living without Partners, Especially Young Adults.” Pew Research Center, Pew Research Center, 30 May 2020, https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/10/11/the-share-of-americans-living-without-a-partner-has-increased-especially-among-young-adults/.